"You Throw Like A Girl!"

There's a new Fox show on tonight, called, Pitch. It's about the first female major league baseball player. It's sugary, predigested baby food that will dispel your notions that boys and girls are genetically different. The message to girls, is, if you throw a lot of rocks when you're little and work your upper body enough, you can get to the Majors.

I wonder what the pitch for this show was. It's for baseball fans? Strike one. They will need CGI to enhance her overhead motion. A pitcher's elbow approaches the speed of sound just before delivery. A ninety-pound actress will never be able to "learn" this.

No, it's for girls being conditioned to believe that they are Mary Sues. Strike two. This audience is vanishingly small, not enough to sustain ratings.

Or maybe it's for lesbians to watch with their turkey-baster conceived bastard sons.

A baseball field is a traditionally male space, and you're not improving the game by sexually integrating it. You're making it worse. Much worse. This isn't Jackie Robinson or Rosa Parks, although they are sure to name-drop them.

This is the girl on the little league team, overcoming adversity with a confident attitude and Serena Williams-levels of testosterone injections.

How are they going to portray the locker room? Players arrive hours before first pitch to prepare and bullshit. They also walk around in their birthday suit or jockstraps. Is she going to parade around with her junk flopping around like a guy would?

They can find somewhere for her to dress, but the manager's office is inside the locker room. After the game, men take showers and bullshit some more. How is little Mary Sue going to bond with her teammates if she has to dress in a separate facility?

Baseball movies have to decide whether they are going to be in the realm of reality, or mostly allegory. In the real world, men belittle each other to bond. How long before she goes to the union and complains about a hostile work environment?

What if her finely-tuned feminist ears pick up one of the male players talking about how he landed a "slump-buster?" That is a cheap single that ends a hitless streak. It's also sexual innuendo to describe how a guy goes on a date with an ugly girl to break his dry spell.

That kind of comment would land the offending player and the team a nice sexual harassment lawsuit.

But let's just assume that a little lady could get a batter out. What happens the rest of the game? The first time a batted ball comes through the, er, box, it would crack her head open. And even pitchers have to bat once in a while. How is she going to advance a runner without getting hurt?

I'm tempted to watch, anyway, just for laughs. And to see the boy who once taunted her with the insult, "you throw like a girl," finally get his comeuppance, as the term comes to be known as a superb compliment.