Sleep Eludes

Looks like two hours is all I get tonight. So sleepy during the Simpsons, then tossed awhile, very surprised to turn to the clock, and see it was only ten. Mother fucker. Stared at TV for awhile. I know that sleep will again beckon, but that it will do so inconveniently, when I am supposed to go to work.

I can't take this anymore. I am so numb that I can't even cry. I haven't cried for months. I don't understand the point of weeping, either that, or I don't want to go that low.

Sleep is the only narcotic, other than food, that I have left. Goddam Areta Crowell has been keeping me waiting for five months for services. On Wednesday, I had an appointment to see the doctor, to go on medication. When I show up, I am told that the doctor was unavailable, and that I needed to reschedule. I folded my appointment card into a wad and let it drop onto the receptionst's desk. I wanted to utter a stream of profanities, but didn't.

This whole experience has been so dream-like. I feel like all the light of my soul has drained away, and nobody wants to come near me. This is hell. It's not hard to go and do my job, most days, but today will be rough. I don't want to make eye contact with anyone. Even when I watch the History Channel, and there is a portrait of someone who lived two hundred years ago, I cannot make eye contact with it, like I am being called out.

I guess the thing that hurts most is my pride. I used to have a good job, and prospects. I used to have a family that I called my own. I used to have a place to live that held all my belongings, my plants, my lamps. I used to have a woman, who lived with me. In the space of two weeks, it all went bye-bye.

If God could just cut out my pride, then maybe I wouldn't hurt so much.

Fidgety Rhythms

She posited the diag of ADHD, as in, "are you familiar with ADHD?"

I think that I am angry inside, and somehow, have managed to get this far, by suppressing my emotions. Today, I got frustrated, but only for a few moments. There was no going over to the other side.

That was the deepest emotion I have felt lately. Uncomfortable numbness, mixed with vague resentment. There is no joy, no satisfaction. There is very rare humor. It is difficult to feel any kind of happiness. I feel almost completely unloved, and totally irrelevant.

I don't know why I continue. Seems life is without meaning. I did make a deal with my maker, that I will try to survive as long as I am provided for. But what kind of existence is that? What is the point?

My sister is fifty tomorrow. I am not welcome, apparently. My father is eighty next month. Even less welcome there. When the pain is so great that it is unbearable, there is just denial. Welcome to me.