Am I A Liberal?

With election fever gripping the nation, you might be wondering whether you are a liberal, conservative, or moderate. We at Prior Engagements are here to assist you in figuring out where you stand on the issues of the day, with these carefully focus group-tested questions. Let's begin.

Do you support a $15/hour minimum wage?

Do you understand a demand curve? When the price of something goes up, less of it is demanded. If you support a national minimum wage at all, you are economically illiterate.

Do you support Obamacare?

If you answer "yes" to this question, then you believe the government can compel a private citizen to purchase insurance. That makes you a Stalinist. There is nothing about the individual mandate that is compatible with liberty.

Do you believe hate speech is a crime?

If you answer "yes" to this question, then you should know that there is no "hate speech" exception to the First Amendment. The reason we have the First Amendment is to protect speech we don't like. There is no reason to protect speech everybody likes. If you think "hate speech" should be a crime, then no, you are not a liberal. You are a fascist.

Do you believe the top 1% should pay more in taxes?

They already pay half of all income taxes. Still think they should pay more? Then you are a socialist.

Do you think all combat jobs should be open to women?

Women soldiers break down and need replacing twice as often as male soldiers. If they are not injured, pregnant or filing sexual harassment allegations against male soldiers, and are actually capable of firing their weapons, their performance is inferior to men. Women agitate for combat roles because combat soldiers are promoted faster. If you think all combat roles should be open to women, then you are a feminist, and no feminist is liberal. All feminists are either dykes, misandrists, or totalitarians.

Do you believe human activity is responsible for climate change?

If so, then you are a Malthusian environmentalist whack job. You probably believe that there are too many people on the planet, and that the bee population is crashing because Gaia is sad. Michael Crichton said that religion cannot be removed from the human psyche, and environmentalism is a religion. The Judeo-Christian Bible has Eden, and man falling from grace, and so does yours. And your religion has killed more people than any other, considering just the tens of millions killed by malaria because of DDT bans.

Do you support a Constitutional Amendment to overturn Citizen's United?

You probably think that Citizen's United was where the Supreme Court ruled that "corporations are people." The high court actually said that corporations could participate in political speech. Maybe you believed Hillary Clinton when she said she wants to get unaccountable money out of politics. How do you think she's financing her campaign?

Do you favor increased gun control?

Ask yourself whether the Second Amendment protects your family, even if you don't own a firearm. It does, because anyone who would do you harm has to ask themselves if they are going to get shot breaking into your home.

Do you like Bernie Sanders?

Then you are a fucking communist. A socialist is a communist. They all play the same game. Demonize the rich, make you envious of them, just so they can take a little more from them. But that won't cover all their little spending programs. So they appropriate assets. Because private property is an oxymoron. Nobody "gets" to own anything, it all belongs to the people.

Don't worry, though. Everybody is entitled to be wrong when they're young. The imperative of the young is to defy the old. Maybe it'll pass.