First Annual Christmas Gift Guide

With Christmas right around the corner, I wanted to share some ideas for thoughtful gift-giving. A gift should always convey the sentiment that it was carefully chosen for the recipient. I have always considered gifts that are practical to be extra special, for they carry intrinsic value in addition to the affection they bear. Take my word for this, that the best possible bestowal is currency.

If second best is what you're aiming for, why not consider vagina dentata? Yes, teeth for your vagina.

My gift to the gentle reader is this set of images, which you cannot now unsee. You're welcome!

I'm going to get one for each of my sisters, because I care deeply about them, and would do anything to keep them from being raped. This particular vaginal dentata is called Rape-aXe, and it can be inserted just like a tampon. It does require a visit to the doctor to have it removed, however.

Maybe I should get two for each of my sisters, now that I think about it. Sometimes rapists go for the butt. Nothing says "I love you sis" like getting her a set of cock-ripping teeth for her twat and anus.

This gash-stuffer is a must-have stocking stuffer. It looks pretty comfortable to walk around in, too. Rape-aXe is rumored to be developing a sport version that women can wear while exercising.

I wonder if it comes with a warning label. What if a woman wears this to discourage date-rape, and some poor fella winds up with a penis shredded like string mozzarella? Women who plane wangs would have to prove that they withheld consent.

And I'm sure that any guy who gets his noodle caught in one of these things will be in a forgiving mood. Nothing shoos away a would-be rapist like pruning his dongle.

On second thought, forget all this. If there is a woman that you love and want to protect, buy her a firearm that she can legally conceal on her person.