Maria Is Confident

Sometimes when I see an advertisement, I imagine the madcap life of the person that created it. It's always some earnest guy named Darrin, who has Paul Lynde as his brother-in-law, and Larry Tate is his boss. While Darrin juggles ideas and storyboards, chaos reigns in the background, like a family friend hitting on his hot wife and having her turn him into a dog.

The reality of the ad-man's life is probably more like a stultifying group-think collaborative, because how else would you get an ad campaign like Quicken Loans Rocket Mortgage, that is so attuned to the culture?

This is "Maria," and she is "confident."

This woman is a new breed we'll call "Adderall Mom," because she literally does everything. Her hair is frazzled because she has to fold laundry, buy groceries, and raise a child. Her kid's hair is just as frizzy and unkempt. Both of these gals are apparently semi-feral.

She even plays lead guitar in a garage band. It's a grrl band, with her black neighbor on keyboard, and her Asian neighbor on bass. Diversity quota achievement unlocked!

Maria is a total Mary Sue as well, or maybe rather a Maria Sue. She can make household repairs like removing the trap to her kitchen sink to fix a clog and hell's bells did her daughter put a doll's head in the sink? The mother's psychopathy has been passed on to her offspring.

Maria's kitchen sink doesn't have a garbage disposal, and there is something else about her domestic situation that seems a bit off. She ain't got no mans. But wait! There, in the background, out of focus, that clearly looks like a man.

But look at the composition. He is on one end of the porch, squeezed into a corner, and the kid is on the other side. The kid's mother is literally and figuratively between them, even elbowing him aside. This guy is clearly auditioning for the role of father figure, and failing.

If you've made it this far, congratulations, there is another ad for Rocket Mortgage that induces even more cringe.

This is "Sarah," and she is also "confident." Sarah is a fifth-grade teacher who builds combat robots and wears an empowering shirt with GIRLBOTS empoweringly emblazoned in a drippy monster-type font.

Why "GIRLBOTS," I wonder. Did New Line Cinema trademark that well-established term of female empowerment, "Fembots"?

Nevertheless, this is a very important milestone in advertising, because it is established scientism that if little girls do not see women doing STEM on television, they will become very discouraged and become psychologists.

Sarah's advertisement dispenses with the husband idea altogether, because it's established science that any woman who's that good at STEM was born with a male brain and is a lesbian.

Here, Sarah so doesn't need a man because she can program a lawnmower to keep her, ahem, lawn, nice and trimmed. Kind of makes you wonder what other motorized or battery-operated devices she programs in order to maintain her, ahem, other needs.

I can't wait for the next installment in the Rocket Mortgage series. I'm really hoping for a lesbian couple, and it would be neat if one of them was in a wheelchair.

At least Darrin was a good straight man.