The Child Is A Mother's Anchor

In an essay for Playboy that should surprise nobody, "entertainer" Chelsea Handler writes about how she had two abortions in the same year, when she was sixteen. Chandler's personae is that of a boozy, promiscuous woman who delights in her own bad decisions.

The Playboy essay is accompanied by a provocative photograph of a woman's hand, with a bow wrapped around the extended middle finger. A little note is tied to the bow, which reads, It's an abortion!

Roe v Wade justified abortion on some heretofore unread constitutional right to privacy. Yet here we are, and people like Chandler won't shut up about their fabulous stolen motherhood.

The big "fuck you" tone that is conveyed is not offensive because one woman made a personal decision. It's offensive because her behavior is blithely modeled by millions of women. Abortion has become a sacralized rite of passage for aspiring female edgelords, like the first lesbian relationship.

It's not enough that abortion be seen as not bad (oh the stigma). Abortion is now supposed to be the moral choice. As Chandler herself writes,

"We have 7.3 billion people on this planet. Anybody who carefully decides not to become a parent should be applauded for making a smart and sustainable decision."

Follow that? Too many humans here! We're full! We really owe Chandler a debt of gratitude!

I can almost get behind this. You know, motherhood used to come with a revered status in societies all around the world. Nazi Germany, for example, offered a medal for motherhood, called the Cross of Honour of the German Mother. Women who had four or five children received a bronze cross, and women who had six or seven children, a silver cross. Women who had eight or more received a gold cross.

There was an inscription on the back of the cross, that read, Das Kind adelt die Mutter. The Child ennobles the Mother. How ridiculously outdated! Everybody knows that children prevent women from achieving their potential!

What we should do then, is borrow this idea from the Nazis, but modify it so it doesn't have that stink of Aryan motherhood to it. We should present medals of honor to women who get abortions.

First, get rid of the icky cross. Let's replace it with the symbol for recycling. This will symbolize the life cycle of the Chandler, from a clump of cells to slut to old hag and back to a clump of cells of soylent, to keep everything "sustainable."

Five or more abortions earns women a medallion of the recycle symbol in green with gold leaf.

Because Chandler did the world a favor by keeping her shit out of the gene pool.