Arch Criminal

I have been detained numerous times by the authorities, and arrested once. That was back in 1983, and they don't even keep records that old. I should know, because I recently submitted to a LiveScan fingerprint background check, for my contractor's license.

The day of my arrest, almost a quarter-century ago, began at the Phi Delta Theta Fraternity offices. I was chapter secretary, and a detective at the traffic division was trying to reach me by telephone. So, I rode my bike down to see what he wanted.

About two weeks prior, I was wandering around downtown at about seven, on a cool Saturday morning. My girlfriend and I had been partying all night, and I caught the eye of a patrolman when I jaywalked across Fourth Ave. I didn't have my driver's license, and provided the officer my roommate's name, and signed it. Hey, I might have been a little light-headed, but I meant no harm.

The traffic detective wanted to know the whole story, so rode over and told him, and then he thanked me, and had me booked on a felony. Bail was set at about ten thousand dollars, which seemes like a lot at the time. Moral of the story? Don't let your vessel cross the bow of one Mr. Jeff Belk, right, 'Brother' ...?!

That night in jail, almost a quarter-century ago, has imprinted a valid respect for authority. Which has helped me in the last three weeks. I have been detained by the police three times in the last two weeks.

The first time, I was talking to a rastafarian outside of Native Sun Records on Rosecrans. Little did I know, that I was about to be caught up in a huge, multijurisdictional raid on the medical marijuana dispensary next door over. I was waved over and detained for ninety minutes, and interviewed by a 'special agent.' Guess they don't tell special agents, that one's medical history is one's own personal fucking business. Maybe that's why he rolled his eyes and didn't even write down the name of my primary physician, Dr. Michael Sullivan.

I suppose to become a special agent, one pretty much has to start right out of school. He knew nothing about what I do. His grasp on the subject of independent contracting was a little loose. Maybe he thought I was a general. He never explained exactly why I was being subject to documentation, digital photography, as well as ridicule and humiliation.

A few days later, things between myself and my beloved began to feel strained. I made it past 'validation day,' as I call it, and I was feeling as free as a bird. The only problem, is that I couldn't feel the lady anymore. I have been reborn spiritually, and walk a righteous path. She has always been so gifted at thinking through issues....