Instititutional Learning Facilities

Dad recently said that, in his opinion, something happened during my adolescent years that has shaped my personality. He never heard the weed story, yet it wouldn't surprise him one bit. He told me once long ago, after I had messed up, that it was easy for him to excuse my behavior, because he's done it all before!

I know a few things about my Dad's opinions. I know how he feels about sports, politics, and morality. However, I do not know what his feelings are about spirituality. Other than it is a man's personal, sacred bastion, that apparently should not be shared with anyone.

The Gestapo death squads have been laid to rest, pop, and the Cossacks are half a world away. For all that I know, in my Dad's opinion, God never existed, and his belief system, is his own intellectual prowess and acheivement. I do know that today, he is the only member of the family living purely in the moment. That doesn't make solving the enigma any easier, but allows a rational framework.

One cannot say why the lady married him. My main theory is an unconscious biological urge that defied explanation, and later, justification. I see the same behavior in my sisters, and the reproductive choices that they have made.

Pity me, average fool. This child was born of parents destined to part ways. Each shares the responsibility, yet each blame and vilify the other. Almost like they hope a few of us children fail, so that they can continue their private battle.

When my dad told me that I need to introspectively search my life for answers, I accepted his recommendation. I reasoned that, if he is pushing me for answers, then, possibly, he is in a period of seeking. So, I rebutted with the professional's opinion. It is uphill work, for anyone to rebut her, since she is the only doctor in the family.

She points to likely oral and anal fixations, how this may possibly indicate trauma during those formative years. In other words, Dad was on the right track, just a decade off. Many of a person's deepest issues are buried in the subconscious.

I know I touched a nerve, because he defended himself, saying, "I was living in the house back then, but I don't remember any specific issues."

Neither do I, dad! I was too little, remember? Nobody knew in those days that children who are exposed to too much stress, develop higher cortisol levels. Even though Dr. Spock sold millions of books, nobody in those days knew that you weren't supposed to yell at your children. Nobody knew in those days, that you weren't supposed to hit your children.

Or maybe they did, and I just forgive too easily. Like my former mentor used to say, forgiveness is a device invented by the Catholic Church. The leadership needed some defense, to prevent their own genitals from being served to them in a sandwich, after word of their indecencies had reached the victim's family!

It's just tough, that's all. Finding acceptance, when answers are hard to come by. Something does happen at a certain age to boys, and at a different age for girls, where they form their sexual identity, and each parent certainly has a role.

Basically, the main competitor for my mother's affection left the house, before, or while I was making an important logical connection of a sort. K1 and K2 were so young, that I wonder if they have any memories of a father around the house.

I have just one conscious memory, of his presence in our Atlee Drive house. One afternoon, K1 and I played a game in the driveway, called, 'let's rip open all the bags of manure and then spread the stuff, all over the driveway, and dance in it!"

That was a fun game until he got home from work, found out, and tanned our backsides. I remember K2 and I, crying on our beds. Our cheeks hurt so much, we were bawling with our red, swollen buns high in the air, too tender to touch. It's almost funny to remember.

B and L surely have vivid memories of father, in the house with us. They are very close in age, separated by two years. It is possible that B made her 'logical connection,' and L did not. That may help explain why, forty years later, she is still economically dependent on him.

Ah, dependencies. How they shift around. Four years ago it was two packs a day of tobacco. My drug of choice is now somewhat safer, although it is still a narcotic.

Pity me not, average fool. As Spinoza said, things that are most esteemed by men are riches, fame, and pleasures of sense."By sensual pleasure, the mind is enthralled to the extent of quiescence, as if the supreme good were actually attained."

To quote again

"... All the objects pursued by the multitude not only bring no remedy that tends to preserve our being, but even act as hindrances, causing the death not seldom of those who possess them, and always of those who are possessed by them."

I don't know who my father likes to quote. He likes to talk about topics that Dennis Prager mentions. I guess if I want to get to know him, that would be a place to start.