The Whack-Her Curve

Some of us already knew Johnny Depp was an ass, and his stature just got lower. Or did it? It was revealed Friday that wife Amber Heard was granted a restraining order against Depp, for allegedly smashing her face with an iPhone.

There were plenty of photographers and filmographers to capture her appearance as she left the courthouse. These are among the most seductive and alluring images of a woman in years.

Her gaze is downcast and demure. Her black dress, a sackcloth contrast to her alabaster skin.

There is a bruise around her right eye. It makes her look vulnerable, and accessible in a way.

Is it too soon to call shenanigans? Let's step back and consider a few things.

Amber Heard is an actress, and has contacts in the industry who could easily use a little makeup to give her a realistic-looking bruise.

I was thinking today that after this "violent" episode, a good role for Amber Heard would be a femme fatale, like the Sharon Stone character in Basic Instinct, or the Linda Fiorentino character in The Last Seduction. And what do you know?! Amber Heard has a movie in the can, coming soon to a theatre near you, called London Fields. She is playing a character named Nicola Six, a "clairvoyant femme fatale."

The question everybody is asking, is, will this accusation harm Johnny Depp's career? Well, long ago Sean Penn was charged with felony domestic assault in connection with allegations involving Madonna. And Sean Penn has never wanted for top shelf pussy or star vehicles.

Amber and Johnny haven't involved the police. She was granted her restraining order, but there have been no criminal charges filed against him. Maybe this "violent" incident will earn her a nice payday, but Depp has fuck-you money, certainly enough to commit to a project like Heard. By Hollywood standards, this is just another way to earn a producer credit.

Even by the standards of civil society, Johnny Depp will not be materially damaged by these allegations. This is because women desire a little domestic abuse. It is affirmation that their man is emotionally invested in the relationship.

Think of it like the way economists think of optimum levels of taxation. Ever heard of the Laffer Curve? This states that there is a level of taxation between 0% and 100% that will maximize revenue. Certainly there is also a level of abuse that women will submit to that will maximize loyalty. Call it the Whack-Her Curve.