Willow Shields, who played Primrose Everdeen in The Hunger Games is going to be dancing with Mark Ballas. Shields is easy on the eyes but from what I've seen of her acting work, her oeuvre is to look as helpless and vulnerable as possible, while speaking as little as possible.
Noah Galloway will be dancing with Sharna Burgess. Noah is an Iraq war veteran and double amputee. All respect for a man who volunteered to serve and sacrificed so much.
Robert Herjavec from ABC's television show Shark Tank will be dancing with Kym Johnson. Shameless cross-promotion.
Riker Lynch will be partnered with Allison Holker. Lynch was a cast member of Glee, and is cousins with Julianne and Derek Hough. And he was named after a notorious prison. Talk about appropriation of gangster culture. No, his brother is not named, "Attica."
Charlotte McKinney, the topless girl in the Carl's Jr. commercial, will be dancing with Keo Motsepe. She is the dank. Her name is evocative of radical feminist Catharine MacKinnon, whom I'm sure would not approve of McKinney's objectification.
An artist known as Redfoo will dance with Emma Slater. Redfoo's real name is Stefan Kendal Gordy. Apparently he is a rapper, singer and DJ. I never heard of him. I'm old.
Suzanne Somers will be dancing with Tony Dovolani. Gross. Are we going to hear about her daily vaginal hormone injections? All I'm going to hear while I'm watching the show with my wife will be, "she looks great. I wonder how old she is?" She's sixty-eight.
Michael Sam will be dancing with Peta Murgatroyd. Heavens to Murgatroyd! Why didn't the show's producers partner him with a man? Sam is repelled by women; how are they going to sell subliminal sexual tension? By repackaging his misogyny?
Yes I said misogyny. Misogyny was practically invented by homosexual men. In the same way misandry is the home province of lesbians.
The show will package Michael Sam as the first gay NFL player. He isn't in the NFL. He was cut by the Rams before the season began. He claimed to be totally focused on football, yet he secretly signed a contract with Oprah Winfrey to film a reality show during training camp. He was picked up by Dallas and placed on the practice squad, but was waived on October 21.
He never caught on because he's a "tweener." His position was linebacker, but he's too slow for an NFL linebacker. At 261, he is too light to move to the defensive line. Nevertheless, he contends that the reason he isn't playing in the NFL is because he is gay.
He told TMZ "I was the SEC Defensive Player of the Year last year ... so I don't think it had to do with talent." That was in college. If winning awards for college performance was a predictor of NFL ability, then Heisman Trophy winners Tim Tebow, Troy Smith, Matt Leinart and Jason White would all have Super Bowl rings by now. None of them are even on NFL rosters.
Everybody interested in social justice was rooting for Sam. His jersey became one of the biggest sellers. The only thing worse than his weak play was his behavior. Not his homosexual behavior. His being an ass.
So thank you, Dancing With The Stars, for ruining one of the few shows that my wife and I could enjoy together. If you guys needed a football player, why not Ray Rice? That guy will create some interesting chemistry with his dance partner! Here he is, demonstrating a dance routine he calls, "knocking the bitch out."
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